This post originally appeared in the Doorposts column on the John and Charles Wesley Center for Christian Thought and Apologetics. You can find the original post here.

Looking for Community

You will not find so much loathing as you will find in an online mom’s group. As a new mom looking for a way out of the loneliness that accompanied leaving the bustling world outside my home for the bustling world inside my home, I found myself surrounded by seasoned women who did nothing but disparage their husbands and curse their children. These women were proud to be “hot messes” and took great pride in their attempts at “self-care”. Their entire lives revolved around painting themselves to be Cinderella for their families. Poor them. They had to change diapers. Poor them. They had to provide snacks for hungry toddlers. Poor them. They had to vacuum the living room. And I could see how this thankless work could become a burden, but I could also see that this was exactly what I’d been praying for. 

Loneliness Not Required

Motherhood doesn’t have to be lonely; it isn’t meant to be. As Paul writes to Titus, the Church should be offering the community opportunities that new mothers so desperately need. (And young fathers, and singles, and seniors.) He knew that young mothers would need mentors. Older women would need someone to pour into. He knew young men would need to be guided. Older men needed a way to give back. I find it fascinating that Paul knew what the alternative would be. Reviling of the word of God. (Revile: loathe: curse: disparage.) Reviling that man should not be alone and the two will become one. Reviling that children are a blessing and inheritance from the LORD. Sound familiar? 

Needing the Real Church

When we look at our own church community, we tend to think about what they can do for us. We want a community that looks exactly like where we are in life. We’re Goldilocks going from church to church saying, “Too old,” “Too young,” “Too formal,” “Too casual,” “Too big,” “Too small”—looking for that one “magical” church that we can declare is “just right”. But that’s not the Church Paul is describing. We don’t need to find others exactly where we are to be benefitted by a community of believers. We need whomever God has sent us in our local church.

As a young mom, that meant a few moms a decade older than me and a lot of grandmothers and great-grandmothers. I loved the church I had my first children in. I might not have taken all their advice (I wasn’t going to feed my babies raw eggs or give them sugar wrapped in cheesecloth as a pacifier), but I did appreciate their experience. They were hard-working women who stood alongside their husbands and raised strong kids in church. I needed them! And I like to think they needed me, too. Even though I really only had baby rolls and toddlers crawling under pews during service to offer. (And some amazing glazed carrots.) That is what the Body is meant to be. I didn’t need to wallow. I needed to learn to be strong, self-controlled, and work hard in my home. 

Middle Motherhood Needs the Church

Now, I’m a middle mom. (I just coined that term), I’ve got teenagers (and babies), but I’m not “done”. But I know where I fit in my church community. Encouragement. Teaching what is good. Training young moms to love their kids and their husbands and to work hard in their homes. I know where I fit into this picture. (Thanks, Paul.) I’m sometimes the one still needing training. I’m now sometimes the one doing the training. But we all have our place because we aren’t meant to do this alone. We all need one another in the body. And it seems that is especially true of mothers. (See how much emphasis Paul is putting on the church ladies?) 

Advice to New Moms

If you’re a new mom, forget the mom groups. Just open up to the women God has already given you. If you don’t have a church home, find one. Settle in. Get to know people. Let them get to know you. Find your mentors. Don’t revile the things God has blessed you with. You get to care for those babies. You get to serve your husband. You get a home to manage, clean, adorn, and care for. These are blessings! Don’t be tricked into thinking a blessing is a curse. 

All Moms Need the Church

If you’re not a new mom, forget mom groups. Open up to the women God has already given you. If you don’t have a church home, find one. Settle in. Get to know people. Let them get to know you. Find people you can pour yourself into. Find people who can pour themselves into you.

We Need the Church

I know this is largely focused on moms. Mostly, that is because I am a mom. But also, because this openness and mentorship type relationship isn’t common for women. Men tend to seek out mentorship. Women tend to be more competitive and seek out places to vent. But men, be open with the men in your life. Find community and accountability. Don’t revile the things God has blessed you with. I need all of you there. And you need me.

Other Notes from the Parsonage Posts You Might Like

• Choose Today
• Shoes Too Big to Fill
• Get Out of Crisis Mode
• Word Before World

Things I Have to Say

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And right on schedule, as I dove into lifespan development for the third time (I’ve had lifespan development classes before from other perspectives), I was ready to feel bad about the stress I am putting my family under right now. At first, I got that— the guilt. Infants rely on the steady care of a single caregiver and are upset when that is disrupted. Sorry Daisy. Preschoolers need adequate scaffolding to help them acquire new and deeper skills. Sorry Pippin, can’t scaffold for you, Mama’s got to write a paper about it instead. School aged children need security and patience with close monitoring as they learn new skills and begin to see themselves as others see them. Sorry Topher and Ransom, I don’t have time to monitor your mud pit fun, I’ve got papers to write. You get the idea. Everything is a slap in the face when you feel like you’re messing everything up— especially when you’re a mom of seven in school full time.

Then I came across the work of Donald Winnicott. He was an English pediatrician and psychoanalyst who voiced the idea of the “good enough” parent. I’m going to be grossly simplifying his work and pretty much just talking about a singular aspect. I’m imagining that if you were especially fond of psychoanalytic theory of infant development, you’d likely be taking the class I’m taking or reading a much longer book about the topic. (And just as a point of interest, the class ended up being extremely interesting and insightful. I feel like I only scratched the surface and would need another year to follow all the little rabbit trails my brain made.) For Winnicott, children didn’t need perfect parents. Children needed someone they could count on, but that someone didn’t have to be perfect all the time, they just had to be good enough. They just had to show up, love the kid, and do their best. Winnicott said that was the best kind of parent.

In today’s “perfect parenting” world, where parents feel judged every time they turn around, a world where parents spend so much time comparing their own parenting (and life) to what they see on Instagram, it is a breath of fresh air to read an expert tell us we only need to be “good enough”. The idea that everything bad that happens to our kid will be our fault is never flipped. If I’m responsible for all wrong roads my child may take, I’m also responsible for the right ones. And really, according to Winnicott, if I show up and do my best, my kids will turn out fine. Winnicott realized something our society won’t mention. Moms are people. They come with their own burdens, insecurities, and issues. Learning to be there for a child while still being a real person isn’t the easiest task for some people. And if you’re showing up, trying your best, and meeting the kid’s needs most of the time— you’re doing a good enough job of it. Not all of us can be Instagram perfect. We can’t have the perfect house with everything in various shades of white and grey. (How do you people keep white couches clean with kids?!) We can’t all be stay at home moms with endless budgets for all the kids enrichment activities and the “right” toys, clothes, and baby gear. We can’t all have all organic everything from the local farmer’s market. Life is messy. Life isn’t always ideal. The good news, according to Winnicott, is that we don’t need all those things. We need to pay attention most of the time. We need to provide security most of the time. We need need to learn to sacrifice, but it is okay for life to not be all sacrifice. We won’t get the mothering thing right every single time. The good enough mom knows this and can give herself some grace, learn from her mistakes, and move on. 

So if I have to delegate some schooling tasks to Dad for the next year, that is okay. If afternoon reading time has to be audible books, that is okay. If my cooking slips to eating PB&J a little too often, they will survive. If I’m not sewing them cute clothes and instead slipping them into hand-me-downs, I doubt they’ll notice. I’m here. I’m doing my best. The kids will be alright, I’m good enough. 

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Let me start by telling you that I should come with a warning sign that says, “Warning! I void warranties!” If you use anything other than the branded cleaning solution for your carpet cleaner you will void the warranty on the carpet cleaner. I’m just not down with that life. I cannot be limited to only products that say “Hoover” or “Bissel”. It seems like such a scam. Anyway. You’ve been very warned that you can void your warranty if you do anything I do.

My carpets are super dirty. I haven’t cleaned them in a year! Actually, more like 14 months. I have super cheap and very old carpet. We rent, so there isn’t anything I can do about the carpet. It was old and dingy when we moved in 9 years ago and SURPRISE! That doesn’t get better with time.

Also, I am well aware that professional cleaning is probably better. However, I cannot afford quarterly professional carpet cleaning for these old, cheap carpets in our house we rent. If you can afford someone, awesome. If you can’t, keep reading, because you are who this is for.

I started with my dining room. There was slime in the floor from a recent kid experiment. There was some paint, some turmeric, and several spilled drink spots. You start by emptying your room as much as possible and vacuuming the floor.

First I decided to try vinegar. It is super cheap. And I figured it might smell weird, but it might be the magic carpets need. I did two passes over the area with a half a cup of vinegar mixed into my clean water. It cleaned really well but did nothing for the stains. And it didn’t get up the slime, which is weird since it is water soluble.

Next, I grabbed a bowl and filled it with hot water and about a teaspoon of Castile soap. I usually have the hemp almond scent, but the rose was on sale, so we have rose right now. I use Castile soap for all manner of cleaning around my house and can get it right down the road. With a scrub brush, I scrubbed the stains and the gunk (slime) that didn’t come up with the vinegar alone.

This is after vinegar but before scrubbing.

After spot scrubbing, I decided it was time for the rinse portion of cleaning. When I “rinse” my carpet after cleaning and scrubbing, I just put hot water in the clean water portion of my carpet cleaner. No cleaning solution. You can add a few drops of essential oil, but mine was already smelling pretty strongly like rose, so I skipped that step. If you are using essential oil in the rinsing portion, you should be aware of a few things. The first is that you should always add the oil after you fill the water reservoir. If you add the oil first it can mess up the carpet cleaner by getting oil in little spots it probably shouldn’t be settling in. Next, do not use citrus oils, they can break down plastic, which is pretty much the entire carpet cleaner- so skip that one. If you want to use oil, but want to be a bit safer on your machine, grab a spray bottle and fill it with water and a few drops of oil, spray that over the carpet and then rinse the carpet. You’ll still be sucking the oil up, but not in concentrated amounts.

After the rinse, you can go back over the carpet again and not use water at all to suck up the excess water. I usually do this so it doesn’t take forever to dry.

So, the vinegar wasn’t the best at carpet cleaning. It really did clean my carpet. I can tell you, it is very clean. But you can see that there are still a lot of stains. However, I feel comfortable letting the baby wallow around on this. But I wasn’t entirely pleased with the results. So, on to the living room and a different method.

Same story. Remove as much of the furniture as you can. Vacuum the room. This time, I decided to give baking soda a shot. I put 1/3 cup of baking soda into some hot water to dissolve it, then poured that into the clean water.

You can see the little fuzz balls that accumulate. Just pick them up after each pass. This always happens to me, despite vacuuming well before starting. The baking soda wasn’t great. It feels like OxiClean on the floor. A little film going on. But it just wasn’t cleaning all that well. So, I switched tracks again.

This time, I decided to just use Castile soap. I put a capful in the clean water tank and set out to clean again. This time, it did much better.

I still had to spot clean some spots. And not all of them came out. Turmeric stains something awful. But I spot cleaned the same as before with Castile soap and a scrub brush. Then I rinsed the carpet with clean water. Then I went over it “dry” to suck up as much extra water as I could, so it wouldn’t be too very wet.

I am much happier with these results. I feel like the Castile soap got the slime and stuff up much better. The carpet got much cleaner looking. And it didn’t feel weird after. Castile soap is the clear winner. I was a little concerned that it would bubble up too much and affect the suction on the carpet cleaner, but using just a capful in the water seemed to be enough to clean but not enough to make a bubbly mess. (Like that time I put Dawn dish soap into the carpet cleaner.)

If you’re wanting your carpet to look new, use the OxiClean. If you want it clean, but are more concerned about having a kid or pet safe product, use the Castile soap. The Castile soap works just as well as the Thieves Cleaner did. My carpets aren’t perfect. I still wish I could pull them up and put something else down. But they are clean and they look a lot better. And the baby can wallow on them and I won’t worry about the residual cleaning product getting on her.

And to answer the common questions. I do not recommend any one carpet cleaner over another. I’ve used Hoover and Bissel. I have reviewed carpet cleaners for both companies. I’m not affiliated with one or the other. The cleaner in these pictures is the Hoover Powerdash Pet because that is the carpet cleaner I am currently reviewing. But I haven’t ever had one home carpet cleaner that was just stand out better than the others. They are all pretty much the same to me.

I purchase Castile soap at my local natural grocery store. I have purchased from Whole Foods in the past. And I have purchased it from Amazon. I have only used Dr. Bronner’s. It is what I like, so I keep buying it.

I am not a Young Living consultant, but I’m sure you know one if you want to try the Thieves Cleaner method. I was a consultant, but selling stuff isn’t for me, so I stopped. In fact, I need to update y’all about my oil purchasing. Because I still very much use and love essential oils. Need a consultant? Post on Facebook and I’m sure a dozen of your friends will be happy to sell it to you.

**This post contains an affiliate link (for the Castile soap). Using this link to purchase the item does not cost you more, but I do make a small amount from the purchase. Thank you, in advance, for supporting me by using my affiliate links. Support your favorite bloggers by using their links when you want to make a purchase. **

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Dear New Mom,

You approached me at the Diner today to tell me how you aspire to be just like me. While I appreciate the ego boost, let me tell you, it just won’t work. You’ll be a better mom than me to your child. Because you are the perfect mom for that little girl you were toting around so proudly.

I know, right now, you’re finding your way in Mommyland, and it seems like everyone else has their act together, but we are really all just finding our way, too. I know, I looked like I had it under control.

My kids were all freakishly behaving today. They were happy because they chose the restaurant, they don’t always get such a big privilege. They were all happy with their menu choices. Some days, the toddler orders PB&J, then realizes when the food gets out that while he said “pee-bu jewee” he meant “corn dawg”. They happen to adore the huge coloring pages at the Diner, other restaurants have colored menus that don’t allow for such vast creativity, and they throw them to the floor much quicker and opt for tossing silverware around.

I do not always look so put together. I just recently updated my wardrobe from yoga pants and oversized tees into something just as comfy, but far more presentable. (yay!  Old Navy yoga skirts!)  I don’t always multi-task with such finesse. Really. I don’t always order so healthy. Really.

See, you saw one meal and assumed I was Mom of the year. And I am not. I struggle just like you. Walk into The Parsonage, you’ll see that I am far from perfect.

And I don’t want you to think you aren’t awesome. You are. You’re Mom of The Year to the one that matters – your kid. To her, you are the world, and there is no better Mom to her than you.

So, even though you may look around and think every other Mom is doing better than you, it isn’t true. We’re all alike. We are just trying to do the best for our kids, our families. And we’re all unalike. We do this mom thing in our own way.

You’ll find your groove (then you’ll have #2 and you’ll be back to trying to figure the whole thing out again, or your daughter will hit the next phase of her life, leaving you to adjust to her new needs). Just know, you are an awesome Mom. No need to compare yourself to anyone else. You rock.

Lindsey, The Mom of the Four Kids At The Next Table

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